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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said: "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate, so he fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Not that well," the man responded: "When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit three inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"


 Ice Cream

Two old men suffering from long-term memory loss were sitting on the steps of the old folks' home when an ice cream van drove past.
"Gee," said the first old codger: "I'd love an ice cream right now."
"Would you like me to get you one?" asked the second old man.
"Are you joking?" the first old fart snapped back: "You'd forget my order straight away."
"No I wouldn't," replied the second."
"All right, then," said his friend: "I want a double cone with mint ice cream and chocolate chips, and a cherry on top."
The second old man repeated the order flawlessly. Five minutes later, he walked back carrying two meat pies. The first old man looked at the pies in disgust then yelled: "I knew I should've gone myself. You forgot the bloody sauce!"